It's a Choice

Lately I have been reminding myself (rather regularly) that it's my choice whether I see things from a glass "half full" or "half empty" perspective. This past week I was rather overwhelmed with my workload of teaching FT (6 credits in 6 weeks is FT) without any reduction in any of my other responsibilities (although Paul has helped with the kids when I've been talking with students online from 7-8pm). This week will be the third week in the class. In the first two weeks the students posted almost 800 messages on the discussion boards. That's a lot to read, grade, and sometimes write a response. Plus there are assignments to grade and many, many emails to respond to each week. There are FAR more emails when you teach online since they can't ask you a question in person. It should be easier in the fall when I'll be part-time. My department chair called on Thursday to ask what my plans were for the spring semester. I told him I hadn't thought about it yet. He said he'll give me a FT schedule and can give 1-2 of my classes to temps if I ask for reduced schedule. Personally, at this stage of life, I'd prefer to be a SAHM. If I see the glass half-empty, then it's easy to get frustrated with all that I'm trying to juggle right now. My sleep has been the biggest casualty so far as I'm staying up past my usual bedtime grading. If I see the glass half-full, I remind myself that not many people can work from home and have such flexibility as to when they do their work. If I have to earn money, I'm very grateful I can do it in such a way that it rarely takes me away from my kids.

My body also did some really quirky things the past couple of weeks, which prompted me to do something I told myself I wouldn't do again unless we did ivf again. I bought a pack of pregnancy tests at Walmart on Wednesday. I hadn't used one in over 2 years, and I hadn't stared at a negative test since August 2007. I was hoping to never see another one lined test again. I've seen enough of those to last several lifetimes since I was a bit nuts with testing the first few years we tried to have a baby. This one wasn't nearly as hard to take as the one in August 2007 (after we transferred 3 embyros), but it did stir up a bunch of unpleasant emotions. My body kept giving me false hope on Thursday, but on Friday cd1 finally showed up, which actually was a relief in a sense. I so so so badly would love to have another baby. I'd give up any material possession for the opportunity to do ivf again. For more than 20 years I've longed to have at least 3-4 children. I thought that desire would change since our journey to becoming parents was so long, but it hasn't. I don't feel like I'm too old to have another one (yet). When I feel sad that we aren't going to do ivf again, I remind myself of the two little miracles running around our house. Two is far, far better than none!!

 Thursday evening I gave myself a break from grading because of my long day on the road to the Allergist. That was the right choice. I've done a lot of grading today, but today I told myself I needed a little nap. It's been months since I took a nap. Although I don't get Ian prior to 6am any more (and most days I try to push it closer to 6:30), one or both of the kids still usually wake us up long before that (today Ian cried at 4am). I decided today would be day #3 of Ian's sleep training, and I decided to take a nap myself while they napped (or cried as the case may be). He cried off and on for almost an hour and then slept for 30 minutes. I went and got him at that point because Nadia hadn't fallen asleep yet. His crying also kept her up on Friday. On Friday she didn't fall asleep until 3:50 because of his screaming, and usually her nap is done long before that! He slept another hour in my arms. Hopefully the crying will start to decrease this week. He did better with eating today, which was greatly appreciated. He's really starting to want to eat (lick) whatever is on my plate, but usually it's something he can't have. I am still hoping against hope he's not really allergic to milk, but given all the vomiting he did on Saturday, that's probably wishful thinking.