Only Half an Ounce

When I told the doctor (on Sunday) that I had a scale at home that measured to half an ounce (10 grams), he said not to weigh Oliver more often than twice a week. It surprised me at first because they weigh the babies every day in the NICU. I wish I had weighed him last Sunday (the day he was discharged) so I would know how similar my scale is to their scales, but I didn't weigh him until Friday (the day he turned one month old). He was weighed last Monday by the home health nurse and last Tuesday at the Pediatrician's office so he was weighed 4 out of 7 days last week. I weighed him again this morning since it had been 3 days since I had weighed him. I was very discouraged when I saw that he had only gained 1/2 ounce over those three days (weighed 4lb 6oz today). In the late evening hours last night (meaning about 9-11:30pm) he didn't nurse very well although he didn't want to sleep. I would go to bed and about 20-30 minutes later Paul would come and get me (even though the Steelers were playing I viewed sleep as more important than football). The next surprising thing was that he went almost 4 hours without being fed, and I was the one who woke up and realized he had gone too long. Usually he wakes up on his own for his 3am feeding. I woke him up, and it took about 10 minutes to get him nursing (much longer than usual). Similarly, the next feeding was also at my initiative. He nursed pretty well at that feeding, but since then it's been a challenge to get him to nurse. He just wants to sleep. Usually he will only sleep in the pack n play if he's swaddled. Today he can sleep no matter what he's wearing (could just be a onesie). I have been wondering if I am being overly paranoid or if he's not feeling well. He's had plenty of wet and poopy diapers. He's not dehydrated. He has been taking his bottle just fine so this last time I gave him 40ml by bottle. They had said to give 20ml after nursing him, but 40ml would be his full amount if he wasn't nursing. The good news is that he took all 40ml, and of course I have plenty of milk in the refrigerator and freezer. We haven't used any of the frozen milk yet as I've still been pumping at least 3 times a day although today I probably should be pumping more than that since he's not nursing well today.

His lack of weight gain plus his lethargy with nursing today have me very discouraged. It feels like deja vu to my experience with Ian. Nadia didn't gain quite enough the first couple of days we were home, but from age 2 weeks to one month old she gained a full pound in that 2 week time span. Of course she also got off the shield during that time, and she wasn't nearly as premature (born at 36w4d). She chubbed up just fine on my milk. Since I feel confident the entire placenta was removed this time and I have been more diligent to keep pumping than I was with Ian, I had hoped that Oliver would gain weight a good pace, especially since we're giving him bottles throughout the day in addition to nursing. My goal has been that over the next few weeks we'd get him off the shield and off the bottles. As badly as I want to nurse him exclusively for many more months, obviously his well being is more important than my strong desire to nurse. If I have to switch to just giving him bottles I will do so, but it will involve a lot of tears on my part to make that choice. I'm hoping today was a fluke of some sort and that tomorrow he'll go back to nursing like he did over the past week. If you look at the week as a whole, he gained 4 ounces in 8 days. The doctors like to see babies gain one ounce a day, but the minimum they'll accept is half an ounce a day, which is the pace he's been at if you look at the week as a whole. As much as I enjoy getting a little extra sleep, I'm going to make sure he doesn't go more than 3 hours from start of a feeding to start of a feeding at night. Considering how hard it was to get Ian to sleep, it feels ironic to be waking Oliver up. Hopefully it won't be hard to get him back to sleeping longer stretches once he's gained enough weight that he can sleep longer.

I called the pediatrician's office as part of me was wondering if his sleepiness was due to not feeling well. He doesn't have any other symptoms, but I've of course been worried about him possibly getting sick since the rest of us had had a little bug over the past week. Nadia's was bad enough that she threw up ALL over her bed on Saturday night. It's been quite the week for laundry as I've had to do Ian's comforter and sheets twice (due to accidents while napping) and Nadia's once (due to vomiting). One time it was Daddy's fault (he forgot to take Ian to the bathroom before putting Ian down for his nap yesterday). I think his longer than usual naps have also been a contributing factor. I let him sleep for two hours on Friday and Saturday (I had woken him up after 90 imnutes on Thursday). He woke up earlier than usual (6:30am) yesterday so I decided maybe two hours was too long. Yesterday I asked Paul to wake Ian up after 90 minutes, and that seems to have been the right decision as he didn't wake up early this morning. He only napped for 45 minutes today. Nadia has been giving me a hard time about having a quiet time. This never happened (with me anyhow) until last week. I am not sure what all happened this summer. I know she actually napped every day the last week of July at my parents' house. I am pretty sure that some of the babysitters didn't have her have a quiet time or nap. I had thought about maybe having Nadia's "school" time during Oliver and Ian's afternoon nap, but Ian catches on to things very quickly so I think it would be good to do school at a time when he's awake as he'll probably learn some of what I am trying to teach Nadia. Yesterday he corrected her when she got one of her sight words wrong. I had no idea he had been learning some of the sight words. I've been working on 10 sight words with Nadia the last couple of days as well as also working on her rhyming skills. I had decided to use their nap time as my time to get housework, cooking, pumping, etc. done, but I can't get much done in just 45 minutes. I'm hoping today was a fluke as far as Ian's nap as I was really enjoying him taking a longer nap (especially when I also really wanted a nap). A Pediatrician called me back this evening and said I could bring him in tonight or tomorrow. I opted for tomorrow morning. I'm hoping to be able to cancel the appointment, but if he doesn't seem more himself between now and then, I think I should take him in even though I was hoping not to return there until the 21st, especially if they're going to be concerned that he didn't gain much weight since he was there last.

It's amazing how much a scale can stress me out. I can get depressed by how high the number is when I step on the scale, but it's 50 zillion times more upsetting to see the number hasn't gone up enough with a preemie. Today was the first day since our discharge that I struggled emotionally with the whole "why couldn't I have one full-term baby?" question, but I know that God is in control and for some reason totally beyond my comprehension, His plan was for me to have three preemies and for each baby to come earlier rather than later than the previous one. Some day down the road it won't bother me. Right now it's really stressful.