Well I needed to prepay the $2,250 for the FET prior to our appointment Thursday morning, so I called this afternoon to pay by credit card. I used a card that has a 2% rebate so that will be $45 in gift cards for us for either Applebee's or Bennigan's (our usual choices anyhow). Soon I'll be resuming the daily Lupron shots. I am ready to go. In some ways I've been in a 2ww since August 1 as that's when this little life began = a 2ww that will be longer than 3 months!
Today was the first day of the fall ladies Bible study at my church. We're studying the book of Ruth. When I introduced myself in the small group time, I teased that no one should forget my name in this study, LOL! Ladies Bible study is always a bit bitter sweet for me. Most women who go to a day time Bible study are moms. I am one of the few who has a FT job but is able to come to Bible study at 9am on Tuesday mornings. So sometimes comments are made that make me want to say OUCH. And that has happened at every church's ladies Bible study I've been to the past several years so I am not picking on mine! For example many times a small group leader will refer to everyone in the room as moms. We mothers.... I would prefer they'd use the term "ladies" as we are all ladies but not all moms. Cheri is going with me to this study as she's 50 years old and also not a mom although she tried both to conceive and adopt. She only had one ectopic pregnancy. Well anyhow after the video part we break into small groups, and when I sat down in my room I heard a woman (I've never met before) who was obviously VERY pg complaining about being pg. She said something like the only thing she's enjoyed this whole pgcy was in the 2nd tri she enjoyed feeling the baby move. I got up and walked out of the room. It's one thing for me to see her big pg belly (and she's been married less than one year so obviously had no troubles ttc) but then to hear her complain? That was too much for me. I am sure there are uncomfortable things about being pg. But what a gift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has a little baby girl growing inside her. And she didn't have to endure hundreds of shots and pay thousands of dollars for this gift either!!! But then I have to say on the flipside, another woman who was not in my small group today but was in my small group this summer, asked to talk to me privately. She wanted to let me know herself that she is pg. I can't begin to tell you how much compassion I saw in her eyes. I actually thought she might start crying. She had that much sympathy for me as to how I might take her news. I told her as long as she didn't complain to me about being pg, I'd be okay. I kept assuring her this is happy news. Some people DO get it. Some people understand what it's like to be trying for 5 years to be pg and see others getting pg all the time. Of course I need to say this lady who was complaining didn't know me At All or know what I've been through. Maybe she wouldn't have said what she said had she known.
So anyhow I feel a little emotional this afternoon. To be honest, there was another time I dropped out of ladies Bible study part way through a study (at another church) because the mom type comments just got to me so much I didn't want to go any more. I am not expecting that to happen this time, but I wish going to ladies Bible study wasn't a bit of a painful experience emotionally. I don't think I'd be welcome at the men's Bible study though, LOL! Somehow I doubt they constantly refer to themselves as all being fathers ...but I could be wrong. That's just a guess on my part.
One thing I did tell myself though is that this is a good reminder of why I should never complain. I remember when I was single being frustrated when married women would complain about their husbands. Or how frustrated I get now when women say to me - be glad you don't have kids and then they tell me what they think the perks would be of being childless. Totally inappropriate comment to make in my opinion. But how many times do I complain about something that someone else would be thrilled to have? For example maybe I complain about my job and there are many unemployed people. So that is the lesson I am trying to learn from my experience today - another reminder of why I should have a grateful attitude and not complain.
Lastly, I have still been trying to figure out why I feel so upset lately about the ttc/tta stuff. Another thought hit me. So many compare stages of adoption to stages of pregnancy. Everyone says once you start your home study or sign a contract with an agency that's like getting a + on a pregnancy test. Well in that case I've been pg for 35 months now as we started our first home study in November 2004. On March 3 I had posted a synopsis someone had done of comparing the stages of a Ukrainian adoption to pregnancy. According to that timeline (which someone else wrote) we were in our third trimester after sending our dossier to Ukraine in April. So I guess if the analogy were to be continued in our situation (an unsuccessful attempt) it's like we had a pregnancy loss. For several months I had been praying for "our children" that I falsely assumed were in an orphanage in Ukraine. Well anyhow I am just saying that I think the failed attempts to adopt coupled with losing 6 embryos in August is a lot to go through in one summer. I think I am still in the grieving process in some regards.
But God is in control. That's one of the main messages of the book of Ruth. Life sure didn't make sense to Ruth & Naomi at different stages in their lives, but God did have a plan for them, and He has a plan for Paul & I. And no, if I do ever have a child, I'm not going to name him Obed, LOL.
I thank you for praying for my weekend in VA. It went much better than expected and even included a dinner with my parents (who came down to my hotel to pick me up) which was a nice treat. And I am also feeling better. I am not 100%, but my temperature doesn't go up as often or as high and same goes for my headache. I am hoping we will get a good hard frost soon and that should "cure" my allergies. But since the temps are in the 80's right now I doubt a frost will be happening any time soon! At least when Paul's not home I can leave the windows shut and that definitely helps.
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