I should have asked people to pray for me sooner than I did!!! Yesterday afternoon/evening I was fever free for many more hours than I had been in 2 weeks, and that has continued today. The headache has returned a few times throughout the day, but even if I wasn't feeling well just driving for over 5 hours would have that effect on me especially since the last 4 miles of the trip took almost 90 minutes (literally!). So I am greatly relieved that I feel like I am getting close to feeling back to normal. I am very thankful as it was getting very tiresome to always feel like my face was on fire; it really was zapping my energy.
Secondly, I have to say I am feeling greatly relieved about the amount of work needed to be completed this weekend. Yes, I am up at 10:10pm which is VERY rare for me. I sometimes go to bed as early as 9pm and am almost always in bed sometime between 9:30-10:00. And I'm still up because I'm working on accreditation reports. But the good news is that there are seven people doing 17 reports. 13 of these need to be reviewed by 2 people, and 4 have already been reviewed once so only one person has to review them this weekend. I had been assigned to do 3 lead reviews and then be a second reviewer on one report. When Ron realized I had been assigned 3 of the 10 longest reports to do, he took over one of mine as he hadn't been assigned any yet (he's in charge - the other 6 of us had each been assigned certain ones to do). So that means just two lead reports and one second report. I think I'll be done by late tomorrow afternoon. BIG sigh of relief!!
I have to say though I am still struggling emotionally. I am not 100% sure why it is all hitting me so hard lately. I just feel extremely discouraged. I just wonder how long I can keep going through all these adoption and ttc efforts without seeing any success. In some senses it is good we are no longer putting all our "eggs" in one basket (Lifetime), but on the other hand I think it is leading to an increased level of discouragement on my part. It's hard enough to have one thing seem to be "failing," but so far in 2007 we've gone 9 months without any progress with Lifetime, 3 months without any progress with Cathy, lost 6 babies to IVF, and had a failed attempt at adopting 2-3 children from Ukraine due to our dossier expiring before being submitted to the SDA.
I think part of the emotional trauma has come from all that we have expended in these efforts. We paid about $10K for adoption in 2004, but in 2005 & 2006 our expenses were rather minimal. So we didn't lose very much money. This year has been the complete opposite. We've spent more in 2007 towards trying to become parents than 2002-2006 combined between Ukraine adoption, Cathy for domestic, and IVF. I am a penny pincher and to have spent about $20K this year on adoption and ttc and have nothing to show for it is really, really depressing and overwhelming. Plus it's the year by far that the most has been invested physically. Although I only did one medicated cycle so far (#2 starting soon), this was a FAR, FAR more intense physical investment. I have to admit the thought of going through another egg retrieval almost brings me to tears as I remember vividly throwing up and passing out for 6 hours after the surgery was over plus of course the excruiating, painful surgery. Can I really put myself through this again??? As a frame of reference in 2003 we did 2 medicated cycles (1 Tamoxifen, 1 Clomid), in 2004 we did 4 medicated cycles (1 Clomid & 3 inj of which one was with iui), in 2005 we did 3 inj/iui cycles, and in 2006 we did 1 inj/iui cycle. I want to be a mother so badly I doubt I'll ever give up trying to adopt, but truly sometimes I wonder how long I can keep persevering. As I said before, I don't even know if I can put myself through another home study in January. I feel like asking if there is an epidural or anesthesia that can be used for a home study? I'd truly like to be unconscious and wake up when it's over if I truly have to go through that AGAIN for the fourth time for child #1. But maybe we'll get our miracle in November. I don't have high hopes for the FET, but I'd love to be wrong!!!!!!! Well it's time for bed for me as we have a mtg at 8:30 tomorrow morning and prior to that I want to work out in the gym and eat breakfast.
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