February 6

This morning the thought hit me for the first time. What if a baby isn't placed in our arms prior to February 6? I have to admit it was a feeling of sheer panic for me. The reason is that is when our current home study (our 3rd one) will expire. It was very frustrating for me to do the first home study (started Nov 2004 and completed several months later). There are certain things I think are private. I already had to give up a lot of privacy when we started seeing RE's as nurse's began calling me on the phone telling me when we should "try" and when we should not "try." It actually seemed surreal the first time it happened. I remember hanging up on the phone thinking - I cannot believe some "stranger" just called and gave me instructions about something that is usually an area 100% up to the couple and not something that is anyone else's business let alone something someone else gives you instructions about. Even the appointments used to stress me out when it wasn't a woman doing the ultrasound. I got over that a long time ago. If someone calls me and gives me those types of instructions I don't even bat an eye any more. It doesn't surprise or ruffle me, and I have had so many ultrasounds I can honestly say they don't bother me one iota no matter who is doing them. So in the ttc side of things I have completely adjusted to an abandonment of privacy. It actually seems normal to me now as weird as that may sound. Maybe that's because I've been seeing REs for over 4 years now I guess.

However when it comes to home studies - I haven't gotten there yet. They really upset me. First of all I get very annoyed that adoptive parents have to jump through SOOOOO many hoops when biological parents don't have to jump through any. I feel like a second class citizen who is being subjected to scrutiny - having to prove I will be a good parent which an 18 year old unmarried girl who is pregnant doesn't have to do. And again I think some things are private. It really, really annoys me that we have to divulge everything - exactly how much money we have, retirement plans, how much we spend in each category of a budget, etc. It's just not anyone else's business in my opinion! Both of our social workers have been really nice people, but I admit it was harder this year as our current social worker is really young. As in she graduated from the university where I teach in a year when I was already a college professor. So it feels weird to think someone who could have been my undergrad student a few years ago has the authority to say if I am qualified to be a parent.

The first home study was annoying, but I was so hopeful it would result in us adopting sometime in 2005. The update in 2006 wasn't as difficult, and again my hopes were still VERY high that Lifetime would come through for us that year since they hadn't in 2005. This year the reason it was bearable was I truly thought we'd adopt from Ukraine sometime in 2007. And had we updated our dossier this summer that most likely would have been true. But we didn't. When we did this most recent home study, I remember saying this was the LAST one I would be willing to do for a domestic adoption unless it was for child #2. Yet if I am not pg and Cathy hasn't gotten a match for us yet, we may very well have to do another update in January 2008. I can't tell you how revolting of a thought that is to me. I just want to RUN RUN RUN in the opposite diretion and say NO I just can't do it again!!! So I guess that's a new prayer request. I am praying that we will be matched with a birthmother by early January and the baby will be born before February 6, especially if I am not going to be getting pg in the next few months (either from the FET or fresh ivf #2 if we do that).

If I may add one unrelated prayer request, I have had a fever for 14 days now. Most days it's just a low grade fever & headache. If I take an antihistamine every couple of days I can keep my nose from running nonstop and stop sneezing so much, but the fever usually remains. Some days it gets higher than others. Yesterday morning it was so high when I was teaching I was getting dizzy. I had this same thing happen to me last fall. It seems to be a new way of my body responding to allergies. I am used to a runny nose and sneezing, but I am not used to this fever that lasts for weeks. Paul is trying to help by not opening the windows as much, and that definitely does help. I am just really, really tired of the fever & headache though! Especially as I am traveling to VA tomorrow after teaching to do accreditation program reviews from 5pm Friday to 2pm Sunday. I think maybe they'll schedule in some time for sleeping in there. I am only slightly kidding. Really we have an insane amount of work to accomplish this weekend. So I really, really want my fever to go away as it's going to be an exhausting weekend and then Mondays are always one of my 12+ hour work days so I will have to hit the ground running when I return (plus I will be driving at least 7 hours this weekend also if we don't hit ANY traffic which is unlikely given we'll be so close to DC). I picked up pizza this afternoon so at least Paul is covered in terms of meals while I am gone, LOL.