Guilt and Greed

As I mentioned before, it seems quite easy to put yourself on a guilt trip as a mom. Since I've been doing a better job with getting Nadia to eat veggies and watch less televsion, the two areas I've been wrestling with emotionally are regarding saying "no" at work and the fact I want to try for a third child. Before I was a mom, I always gave 100% to my job. As I was cleaning Paul's office last month, I got rid of a lot of paperwork related to our attempts to adopt from Ukraine and the US (it was hard to throw away those apostilled documents knowing how much I paid for each gold seal in Harrisburg, lol). As I read through one of our three homestudies, I noticed how Peggy (a former secretary of mine who was one of our references) said something like whatever I put my mind to I give 200% until the goal is accomplished. As a professor, we are required to put in 5 office hours a week. Prior to having kids, I put in far, far more than 5 office hours a week. Now I always only put in the minimum. It goes against my nature to do the minimum. Similarly, I used to serve on what seemed like 5 million committees. This year I am serving on four committees within our deparment, and I'm chairing three of those. I was supposed to serve on another committee, but I quickly discovered that they were meeting at least once a week and always at 8:00 or 8:30am. I asked my department chair this week to find a replacement for me (since he assigned me to that committee - I didn't volunteer for that one whereas I volunteered for the others). I felt badly backing out of that commitment, but I've never served on any committee at the university that met that frequently (or early in the day). I have been trying to remind myself that #1 my kids come first and #2 I'm doing my fair share by serving on the other four committees. There are others in our department (one who is a full professor) who have done far less than I have done the past two years while I've been working part-time. Not that I ever want to follow his example. This came up again today as there was a workshop I really wanted to attend on teaching online courses, but to attend would have meant extending the hours I'd be away from home today. I decided to pass. It's something I definitely would have attended prior to becoming a mom. Anyhow, I imagine it's easy for moms who work outside the home to feel guilty in both regards - feeling guilty that you're not giving as much to your job as you used to AND at the same time feeling badly for missing out on moments with your kids because you're at work. Nadia has been crying when I leave lately. It breaks my heart. She is clinging to me begging for "one more hug" and "one more kiss" but at some point (after many hugs and kisses) I have to tear myself away from her. It's so hard to walk away when she's sobbing and begging me to stay. Thankfully she was still asleep when I left yesterday and today. She has taken longer naps the last few days due to Ian waking her up so early.

The second area has been regarding my desire to try for a third child. Although for many years I hoped I'd have 4 children, I honestly thought while I was pregnant with Ian that I wouldn't ever consider doing ivf again. I thought that unless God gave us a surprise au natural bfp, our family was complete. It surprised me how within a few months of his birth I was already contemplating doing ivf a third time. What also surprised me was how greedy I felt. I guess it's because at many ivf clinics the success rate is around 50%, and so you start thinking that if you get a +++ it means someone else has to have a negative. Of course this is ridiculous logic. I mean really if we want to add up all the months we tried or even just all the months with medical intervention, we were successful FAR less than 50% of the time (although 2 of 3 embryo transfers did result in a pregnancy). If someone isn't doing ivf, I am sure they don't feel greedy for wanting a third baby. It's not like there's this limited supply of pregnancies available in the world, and I'm taking more than my fair share, but that's what it feels like. In reality, no one else is going to be using my eggs so it's not like I'm taking a pregnancy from someone else if we do ivf again. It may sound ridiculous, but it's really been bothering me. I keep thinking it's not right to do ivf for a third child. Thankfully there really is no such rule. It's not even a case of overburdening the health care system since our insurance doesn't pay for egg retrievals or embryo transfers or IUI's, etc. We're paying for it ourselves. I think in part it's because so many were shocked that we did ivf again after Nadia. So many said but it was so hard for you the first time, why would you do it again? The answer is once the baby is in your arms, it's all totally worth it. Do I wish I could get pregnant without spending thousands of dollars and taking hundreds of shots? Of course! But I'd much rather do all the stuff than not end up with a baby. I view the money spent on ivf as the best way I've ever spent our money. I wish I could say the same about the thousands we spent on adoption. Anyhow, if we do decide to do ivf again, I hope I can convince myself that it's not greedy to desire a third child. I doubt most people who can conceive the old fashioned way wrestle with this issue. Who knows, maybe it's just me and even others who pursue ivf don't wrestle with it. I'll just keep reminding myself that if God chooses to bless us with another baby through ivf, it doesn't mean I'm taking away someone else's baby. I do think though I will try very hard not to show up at the RE clinic with my two kids in tow. If I have to bring them I think I'll need to wear a sign saying "these kids were conceived through ivf" or some women might wonder what I'm doing at a fertility clinic as it will seem like I'm a fertile Myrtle if I end up having 3 babies over a span of 3.25 years. It would be rather ironic if anyone thought that considering it took 6 years to have Nadia! Or maybe our family is already complete. We shall see!