Mommy Guilt

When I've taught about conducting parent-teacher conferences I've always mentioned to my students to keep in mind that most parents will automatically feel responsible when they hear of any problem their child is having in school. Most of the time teachers are not trying to imply that it's their fault, but that is the natural response of a parent. When I told this to my students it wasn't from my own personal experience but just from what I had read. Although it will be a long time until I experience a parent-teacher conference as a parent, I have already had a few moments where I have realized that I was judging myself to be a failure or a success based upon something Nadia did or didn't do. Of course there are times when the problem is my fault such as the fact that Nadia doesn't eat vegetables very often. I am not saying parents are perfect. We all have room for improvement! However parents often feel responsible for things they have no control over regarding their children, such as if the child has a learning disability.

I think that this tendency toward feeling guilty escalates when one has had a lot of difficulty becoming a parent. You've wanted this for soooo long that you feel you need to enjoy every aspect of it. Many times I heard women who had been trying to conceive for so long saying how much they were going to appreciate and treasure being pregnant and being a mother - more so than those who are able to get pregnant easily. I am sure there is a grain of truth in there that probably if it takes you say 5+ years to conceive that you won't take being pregnant for granted, but I don't think it means you will enjoy every little aspect of being pregnant or being a mother. I was very careful when I was pregnant as far as whom I told about the aches and pains of pregnancy (heartburn, morning sickness, etc.) because I didn't want to sound like I was complaining in front of someone who might be struggling to become pregnant. I remember how annoying that was when I was in that position. I didn't want to hear any complaints from a pregnant woman. When I was pregnant with Nadia I realized that I had created an overly rosy picture of what it would feel like to be pregnant. Paul was actually someone who commented on several occasions about how this is what I wanted so badly. I remember telling him many times during those months that I was on a high emotionally but that I wasn't loving it physically. Aside from feeling the baby kick (and even that sometimes was painful such as when she kicked me in the ribs), being pregnant was not a fun experience physically. I definitely feel better physically when I am not pregnant in terms of no more heartburn, stress incontinence, morning sickness, joint ligament pain, etc. The end goal of having a baby made it 1000% worth going through all that, but to me that didn't mean I needed to find all aspects of being pregnant enjoyable. I think the same is true of being a parent. I absolutely love being a Mommy. There are so many wonderful moments - seeing your baby smile, hearing your toddler laugh, watching them learn new skills, hugs, kisses, etc. There are also moments that are unpleasant such as holding your child down while she receives an immunization. My theory is that those of us who had a hard journey towards becoming parents are more likely to feel guilty when we are going through those less than desirable moments. If you've gone through so much (hundreds of shots and tens of thousands of dollars as two examples), you feel like you're supposed to enjoy every aspect of being a mommy. I know I've experienced this guilt lately when I've felt totally overwhelmed due to sleep deprivation. I've also experienced it with both children in terms of nursing (feeling guilty over every ounce of formula they've consumed). It's so easy to feel like you're failing as a mom. Probably all parents experience this at one time or another, but my theory is that those of us who had to wait many years to become moms are even more inclined toward feeling guilty, even when that guilt is not deserved. Hopefully I will be able to recognize when this is happening and stop being so hard on myself. Being up half the night is just not any fun, but it doesn't mean I'm not extremely grateful for my two children.

Last night Ian slept from 7:50-11:30pm and 12:15-3:30am. I put him down (asleep) at 4:25am, but he didn't last long. In light of the success of the previous night, I asked Paul to give him a bottle. Paul came back up at 5:05 and said Ian had fallen asleep after 1 ounce. I was hoping I'd get one more hour of sleep, but it turned out to be less than 30 minutes. If you count the time Paul was with him I guess I got closer to an hour of extra time in bed, but I am still not sure it was worth the guilt over the formula for just a few minutes of extra sleep (whereas yesterday I definitely viewed 2 ounces as worth it when it gave me almost 2 more hours of sleep). I guess tonight I'll stay down longer after I put him down for the 3rd stretch and see if me putting the pacifier back in and such will get him to sleep for at least an hour. He has been doing a 3rd stretch for awhile now albeit it's usually only one hour long. For some reason he's resisted it the last few days,  but 3 or 4am is just too early for me to start my day! It's also too early for him. In fact the good news was that although he was sleeping in my arms rather than his Nap Nanny, after I nursed him a little bit he slept until 7:35!!! Nadia gets more sleep than Ian does per day, and it's supposed to be the other way around. Nadia has been averaging about 14 hours of sleep a day (11 at night plus a 3 hour nap). Ian usually gets about 6-8 hours at night and about 2-3 hours during the day. I don't ever recall Ian sleeping past 6:30am so this was a very different morning for him. Many times his morning nap starts around 8:15 since he gets up so early. I'll wait until he's been up 2 hours this morning so his morning nap (if he takes one) will be much later than usual. Nadia got up at 6:30 so today is the 9th consecutive day that she's slept until at least 6am. YAY for DST!

I'm doing another peer observation at 2:00 today so I had asked Beth to come over at 1:15. She usually comes over at 2:50. I need to call her and ask her to make that 1:00 as I accidently left my parking tag in Paul's mom's car on Friday. She had a PET scan on Thursday and is meeting with the doctor this morning for the results of that. I've been praying she'll get a good report and not need any additional treatments. It's been a year since her last scan. Anyhow they are going to leave the hanging tag with the receptionist in the fertility clinic, and I'm going to stop in on my way to work to pick up the parking tag and also give the clinic a picture of Ian & Nadia for their bulletin board. I've given them pics of Nadia in the past but haven't given any of Ian yet. After today I just have one more observation to do this semester. I'm scheduled to do one in April; it was the one that got snowed out in February. Most faculty who work full-time don't do as many as I've been doing while working part-time, but then again most departments don't have such an imbalance between tenured and non-tenured faculty members. Not counting our department chair, I am one of two tenured faculty in our department this year, and our department has a total of about 20 faculty members. Each non-tenured faculty member is supposed to have two peer observations a semester. One went up for tenure this year so there should be three of us next year, unless the other one retires before then. He just went through his 20 year review.