10 Years!

Celebrating our engagement at the Victorian Manor in Lemont (2000)

Ten years ago today Paul and I got married. Ten years ago I never would have dreamed our journey to becoming parents would take 6 years and involve tens of thousands of dollars and hundreds of shots. I view our children as the best thing that happened in our lives these past 10 years by a long shot. I also never would have guessed that Paul would have been a student for almost all of the first 10 years of marriage. When we met (1997) he was 27 and hadn't been in school since he was 18. We dated a long time (4.5 years) in part because he started working on his Bachelor's degree 11 months after we met. He finished that degree a few years after we were married. He left his job in December 2005 and has been a full-time student since January 2006 (more than half of our marriage).

One of my favorite pictures from the past 10 years (Paul and Jenna)

When we were dating, we had agreed that I'd be a SAHM, but we didn't know at that point that Paul would be a FT student while we had children. I haven't been a FT student since May 1992. I earned my graduate degrees while working FT (finished my Master's in 1994 and my Doctorate in 2002). It hit me very recently that maybe this is one of the reasons God caused us to wait so long to become parents. For example, our first child was due in February 2006. If we had a baby then, I'd have been a working mom for more years than I think I will be in light of us not becoming parents until 2008. It's encouraging to get little glimpses of the possible reasons that God's timing was very different than our desires. Although I can't say I'd have picked traveling over children, we definitely got to travel more due to being married almost 7 years before we had a baby. We treasure our memories from our trips, as you can see from this list of my top ten memories from the past ten years.

Picture used in an adoption profile (2006)

During our first few years of marriage, we owned one desktop computer. The only time Paul ever used it was to complete a homework assignment (which happened very rarely) or to play a game (not over the Internet but by using software). We didn't have high speed internet the first 3 years we were married. Paul didn't have a cell phone the first seven years of our marriage, and I had one only for a short time during that time span. Now we both have cell phones, but we still only use them to talk (we don't text or access the internet via our phones). We definitely make use of our high speed internet, and we both use our separate computers a lot. Paul didn't start using e-mail until September 2006, and now he feels the need to check it even while we're on vacation. Actually this leads to another possible blessing of our delay with having children. Paul currently works 7 days a week. This is possible because he's doing computational chemistry. All he needs is a computer. Hopefully this means he'll be able to graduate sooner, but for now it means we don't see much of him. I'm assuming (and hopefully right) that he'll be able to spend more time with us once he has a job. In that case, it's a blessing that we didn't start having children until about the time he was starting his doctoral program as hopefully this means fewer years when he doesn't have too much time to spend with us.

1. The most precious memory I have from the past 10 years would be seeing Paul with Nadia while we were in the hospital (2008). He had always talked about how he enjoyed kids more when they were past the baby stage. I think a lot of men share that sentiment. Well he was immediately in love with his little peanut. I wish I could have captured a little video that showed the love and joy that he felt when he held her. I can still picture it. I hope I never forget that moment. I didn't see him holding her for the first time since I was unconscious. I wish I could have seen that. I wish a whole bunch of people hadn't held her before I did. Anyhow, we were limited in how much time we could spend holding her (in the NICU), and it surprised me how Paul was wanting his fair share of time holding her. I was touched. I am not sure if it was because she was a girl or because she was the first, but it was a really special moment that wasn't duplicated with Ian. Days went by between times when he held Ian. I think in part it was because Nadia was at home. I had to ask him to please take the time to hold Ian. That never happened with Nadia. It was really special to see how much he loved her right from the start.

2. The time with Ian was in the hospital was really stressful. It was somewhat stressful when Nadia was in the NICU, but the second time around it was a million times harder because of the fact Nadia wasn't allowed in the hospital, and every day we spent at the hospital was another I was separated from Nadia. Up until that point I had never spent even one day apart from her. The day Ian was released from the hospital was a really, really special moment (2009). It finally felt like we were a family of four. I was reunited with Nadia, and the stress of being in the hospital was over. It felt heavenly to go home and be a family of four for the first time.

August 2009 (I was pregnant with Ian at the time)

3. Honeymoon in St. Lucia (2001) - horseback riding on the beach and visiting a volcano were two of my highlights. We slept more on this vacation than any other week in the past 10 years. Even though our unit cost us a little over $100 for 7 nights (through my time share), it was the largest we've stayed in thus far - 3 floors including our private plunge pool ( we want one of those again!) and a maid who did our dishes every day! Of all the trips we've been on, this was our favorite.

Aunt Ruth and Susie (2006)

4. Fun with the kids (2011) - Some of my happiest memories (so far) with both kids together have been this summer. None of them include Paul, but since they involve the kids it still seems fair to include them in this list. If I had to pick three special moments, I'd pick #1 when we were at Knoebels and all three riding a ride together, #2 swimming in the pool and both kids were laughing while we were doing "ring around the rosy," and #3 our times at the playground such as Nadia sitting on my lap on the swing. Priceless. Of course there are many other more daily precious moments such as seeing the kids laughing together.

On top of a pyramid in Mexico (November 2002)

5. Trip to Mexico (2002) - Paul wouldn't rank this trip as high as I have, but it was a glorious trip in my opinion. It's the only time we stayed at an all-inclusive resort. It was luxurious and one of our cheapest trips ironically. Some of the best snorkeling I've done in my life happened on this trip such as at Akumal Bay. We had relaxing days at the resort and also rented a car to visit three Mayan pyramids.

I tried on my wedding dress yesterday (for the first time in 10 years). It fits!

6.Trip to England/France (2002) - This was our favorite trip to Europe. We want to go back to England again some day. The Bayeux Tapestry, Mont St. Michael, and Sainte Chapelle (in Paris) were some of my favorite sites in France.

7. Antigua (2009) - This vacation was very special because it was the first one we took Nadia on (not that she'll remember it at all) and because while we were on this trip I found out I was pregnant with Ian. A BFP will always make a trip very, very special!!! The first day we were there I was questioning the sanity of traveling with a 10 month old, but then she started sleeping in the crib and all was well. She enjoyed the pool and the beach, and it was special to have Paul's parents join us as well. I can't say it was our favorite island that we ever visited, but other things made it a very special trip.

8. Italy (2003) - This was probably Paul's favorite trip in terms of liking the food the best. That would be Mexico for me. This was by far our most expensive trip to date, but we saw a lot of sites we wanted to see in Rome, Venice, Pompeii, Vesuvius, etc. I'd like to take the kids to Italy some day, and I'd like to see some parts that we didn't see on this trip. Paul is heading to Italy next month. I wish we could join him!

9. Aruba (2006) and China (2006) - Aruba isn't necessarily the most interesting island, but we had a really relaxing trip. We spent 3 weeks in China as well that same summer. I taught for 2 weeks. Probably the highlight of that trip was our tour of the Great Wall, especially as we happened to be there on one of the only days during the trip that we had good visibility (the pollution there is unbelievable). This was Paul's least favorite trip in terms of the food we ate, but we had a great time seeing many famous sites in Beijing. I have no aspiration to return, unless it's to adopt a child.

Paul's favorite picture of us (January 2011)

10. Spain (2004), St. Maarten/St. Kitts/Nevis/Anguilla (2005), and St. Thomas/St. John/Tortola/Virgin Gorda (2008) - There were special moments on each of these trips, but none of them would rank as being one of our favorite trips. However, I had to list all our vacations on this list (except for the last two) because vacations are very special. We get to spend sooo much more time together than usual on a vacation (except for the Florida trip in 2010). I always treasured our family vacations when I was a child, but ever since we've been married, I've felt even more strongly about how valuable they are. It will be strange not to have Paul with us in Florida later this month, but it was really frustrating to have him there in body (but yet occupied with his schoolwork) as was the case in May 2010. I look forward to the day (after he's graduated) when he can hopefully really truly take a vacation from work again. Even though I have no desire to ever go on a cruise again, there were special moments on that trip as well such as seeing Ian interact with the parrot and monkey. There are soooo many places I'm looking forward to taking the kids, particularly when they are old enough to remember things.

If someone who was dating or engaged asked me for a few pieces of advice, I think this is what I would share regarding things I've learned over the past 10 years. These are by no means the most important lessons of marriage, but they are five things that pop into my mind.

1. No matter how well you think you know somoene after dating them for a long period of time (4.5 years in our case), there's still so much you have to learn about them. As one small example, I learned on our honeymoon that Paul will not eat spaghetti unless there is parmesan on top of it. I should add that spaghetti is one of his favorite foods. I knew he liked parmesan, but I didn't realize it was an absolute necessity. One other (more recent) example would be regarding swimming. I assumed Paul would go swimming with us at least once each week. I'm glad I didn't know he wouldn't be swimming with us this summer when I made the decision to join because I had factored in all four of us using the membership when I was contemplating the cost. It would have been a shame to have missed out on our fun times in the pool this summer just because Paul doesn't come with us.

2. Those differences of opinion that you discover while dating that you decide you can "deal with" will likely bother you more when you are married than you anticipated. One example would be us having different ideas regarding how many children we wanted to have. On the other hand, you will be soooo appreciative of the values that you do share. I am grateful, for example, that we are 100% united in our decision to homeschool our kids. That could have been a contentious decision, but we are 100% in agreement.

3. There's nothing wrong with having a picture in your mind as to what will happen in the future as long as you realize it might turn out very differently. When I bought our first house in January 2001, I had no idea that in the first 7 years of marriage we would live in 3 different houses. We thought we'd live there for many years while Paul worked for his Dad. We thought I'd "retire" from my position as a principal prior to having our first child so that I could be a SAHM. I had no idea in 2001 that Paul would eventually be getting his PhD in Chemistry (considering at that point he hadn't even finished his BS in Math and hadn't talked about wanting to go back to school). I would never have guessed that I would have been employed outside the home for the first 10 years of our marriage or that we'd have been married for almost 8 years before we became parents. Life is an adventure full of unexpected twists and turns!

October 2010

4. If your husband does something you deem extravegant, just enjoy it. Several years ago Paul ordered flowers to be delivered to me while I was at home for our anniversary. When I saw the amount on the credit card statement, I honestly thought there was a mistake so I asked him how much they cost. It turns out I was clueless as to what florists charge to deliver a bouquet of flowers. I deeply regret that I said anything because he's never given me any flowers since then, and I used to love getting flowers every once in a while.

Antigua (May 2009) - newly pregnant with Ian!

5. Even the things you know about a person before you get married will not necessarily be true of them 10 years down the road. We all change! It sounds obvious, but I think there are certain things we associate with a person. For example, Paul used to be a night owl - before we were married and for the first several years of our marriage. However, that hasn't been true the last two years. I used to go to bed hours before Paul every night, and when we were first married this bugged me because it seemed "unromantic." It didn't take very long for me to discover that I find it easier to fall asleep when I'm alone. I actually prefer going to bed at different times. Most nights now Paul either goes to bed at the same time as me or sometimes even before me. Part of it is because over the past several months I've started staying up later than usual (for many years my bedtime was 9:30pm), and Paul is also going to bed much earlier. I would have said "no way!" if someone had said Paul will get more sleep than you, but it's true that he's gotten more sleep than me the past 3 years - because of him sleeping more than he used to and me getting a lot less sleep due to things like nursing and such. The bottom line is that I need to learn how to fall asleep in bed, even when Paul is also in bed.

I am really looking forward to the next ten years as a family of four! It will be so much fun to make special memories together! I hope we are able to go on many wonderful vacations across the USA as well as other countries. One place I know we both want to go is Hawaii for example! Nadia will be a teenager when we hit the 20 year mark. I am not wishing for these years to fly by. I want to savor as many moments along the way as I can.