Shopping

Well his morning I was looking through a few catalogs that had come in the mail lately. I very, very rarely ever go shopping for clothes at the mall. My shopping is usually online. I get the catalogs in the mail and then look online for coupons for a % off plus free shipping and then I order. During the summer I didn't buy any new clothes as I kept telling myself that I should save the clothing budget in case the IVF worked and I needed to buy maternity clothes. So as soon as I got the BFN I ordered a couple of new outfits in August. Well today I was back to the to buy or not to buy debate in my mind. If I am going to find out on Nov 11 I am pg then I don't really want to be buying non-maternity clothes right now.

It's just so hard. I have somewhat learned not to put my life on hold. The first year we were trying to adopt I almost didn't plan a vacation due to what if we adopt. And actually we really wanted to take a cruise that summer (2005) but didn't because infants aren't allowed on a cruise ship. I am glad we did go on vacation that year, but if I had to do it over again we would have gone on a cruise (neither of us have ever been on one). Another example would be my office hours. Until this semester I maintained goofy office hours which were inconvenient for me to make sure that at all times either Paul or I could be at home should we adopt all of a sudden. But on the other hand I want to be responsible and so it's hard to know - should I buy myself a new blouse or not? I ended up ordering a few things in light of not doing so for a few months in the summer and then finding out I wasn't going to need maternity clothes. Although I really, really, really want this last embryo to STICK, I guess in my gut I just assume it won't as I know the frozen transfer success rates are lower than for fresh, and the fresh didn't work.

I wish the FET could have been in about 1 month which is when my body would have been ready for it. I don't like being in this bcp holding pattern, but there's nothing I can do about it. Based on their schedules they don't want me to have the FET until Nov 1. So a long stretch of bcp it is. In a couple of days I'll be moving on to the 2nd pack of bcp. I am taking only active pills. It feels weird to have a child that is frozen, and I guess it feels in some ways like a really long 2ww. This little life was conceived on August 1, and I still don't know what the end result will be - bfp or bfn. Well I'll know in less than 2 months.

I also wish I knew if Dr. A was going to agree to let me do the stimming here in PA if the FET doesn't work. It's going to make it a harder decision as far as doing fresh #2 if the cost goes up $1,400 plus I have to spend about 2 more weeks in IL. If my sister and her family was there it would be one thing (although still a long time to spend away from home), but they'll be in MD/VA with family so I'd be out there by myself for the holidays (or maybe just Paul and I). So if Dr. Awad says no it might make me decide to wait until next summer to do fresh #2 but then the cost goes up EVEN more as we lose the big tax deduction we'll get if we pay in 2007. So as you can see it will be a tough call. I hope #1 the FET works and I don't need to think about ivf #2, but if the FET doesn't work I surely hope Dr. A agrees to let me do the b/w and u/s here in PA (they will be paid for it of course!).