Thankful Thursday

This has been a difficult week for me emotionally. I'm not accustomed to spending so much time alone for one thing. On Tuesday I almost asked the childbirth educator (who is here on Tuesdays and Fridays) for a hug. It's pretty bad when you would welcome the hug of a stranger. At home I'm accustomed to MANY hugs from Ian all day long, several hugs from Nadia, and a few hugs from Paul each day. Not sleeping well hasn't helped. At 2:30am I asked for an Ambien. That helped me sleep until 6:00am. I had been asleep earlier, but a nurse woke me up at 11:50 for my vitals, and she got concerned about my bp (because my top number was 70 something and usually mine is 90 or 100 something). I said I was just asleep. So she had me sit up and took it again, and it was back to normal. When my bp, pulse, and temp have been fine at every single check, I don't understand why they have to wake someone up to check these during the night. Sleep is also important!

Somehow I was clueless and hadn't considered I might be on bedrest until the baby comes. When they discharged me on June 4 and said I needed to stay on bedrest until my next appointment (June 7) I truly thought there was a chance the bedrest order would be lifted at that point. Paul was the one who said I should ask because he had assumed I'd be on bedrest until his arrival. He was right. So I need to cancel Nadia's swim lessons that were supposed to last for two weeks starting on Monday. I asked my sister if she'd like to use my Women of Faith tickets for a conference in DC in August. The family is planning on spending at least a day or two of the reunion up here in PA. My mom had planned to house 19 of us at her house and three others at a hotel (my dad's sister and cousins). We definitely can't accommodate 19 or 22 people at our house. We do have two queen size sofa beds, and we have a pack n play and also a crib that could be used as well as space for blow up mattresses. I think Nadia would enjoy having Rachel, Susie, and Jenna sleep in her room with her. It would be awesome if I was still on bedrest during our reunion, but my gut instinct says our little one will be in the NICU at that point. I had to back out of teaching Sunday School June through August as well as teaching at VBS in July. I pretty much have to wipe my calendar free except for trips to doctor appointments. Tomorrow I want to start the process for getting an MFM appointment at Geisinger the first week of July. Yesterday was Nadia's last gymanstics class, and her ballet classes ended in May so I don't have to try to find people to take her those places any more.

The hardest thing for me has been to deal with this gut feeling I have that it will be amazing if I make it to July 1 (26w4d) much less 35w0d (August 29). I really think I'm losing my mucus plug. I would love more than anything to be wrong. I remember how stressful the last two NICU stays were, and they were MUCH shorter than this one will probably be. I so badly wanted a "normal" experience this time in terms of him staying in the room with me- no limits on how often I hold him, and it could be quite the opposite. Weeks could pass after his birth before I'm able to hold him. I was hoping nursing would go more smoothly this time, but in fact it's going to be much harder. Most NICU's don't even allow the baby to try to nurse until about 32 weeks (August 8). I also know that micropreemies have health issues that last for years after they are discharged from the NICU. I feel like I'm going through a grieving process of sorts. I keep praying for a miracle that he will wait until at least August to be born, but I'm trying to get used to the idea that he might come in June or July.

Paul really, really, really wants him to wait until at least July 1 due to our insurance changing that day. I told him if my water breaks before July 1 we can drive to Harrisburg because it took 15 hours from when my water broke for me to reach 10cm dilated with Nadia, and it took about 12 hours from when my water broke with Ian for me to reach 8cm dilated. Even if labor progresses more quickly this time, we'll have time for a 2 hour drive. If it happens after July 1, we'll just go to the local hospital. So that's our specific prayer request right now - that he'll stay inside until at least July 1. I think Paul wishes they'd keep me in the hospital down here until then because he's worried about incurring tens of thousands of dollars of medical bills if we have to go to Geisinger between now and the end of June. The only thing that would cause me to go to Geisinger before July 1 would be if I had another bad hemmorhaging episode. Hopefully that won't happen. Anyhow despite the disappointments and fears, there are many things to be thankful for such as:
1. Paul and my mom have made trips to the library for me. It's nice to be able to check out lots of books and a few dvd's at no charge.

2. The hospital used to charge to use the tv, but they don't charge any more. The first time I stayed here I only watched three episodes of "I Love Lucy" on the Hallmark channel each morning, but yesterday I watched more tv since I had run out of books and my brain was too fried from lack of sleep to do too much grading. I discovered that TV Land airs episodes of "Dick van Dyke, "Andy Griffith," and "I Love Lucy" later in the morning. I also watched some game shows on other channels in the afternoon. It helped to pass the time, which otherwise moves ever so slowly when one is alone in a hospital bed for days on end.

3. I've made good use of my laptop and the wi-fi access for leisure (such as FB) as well as work (emailing students and grading).

4. Paul's parents watched the kids on Monday and Tuesday. They took them to McDonald's, Hooplas, etc. Paul took the kids to Sarah's house yesterday. She watched them for 6 hours. Today and tomorrow our neighbors are watching them. We'll use them as much as we can before they move (June 26).

5. A friend is going to loan me a wheelchair. I'm hoping this will enable me to see Nadia's gymanstics showcase on Saturday.

6. I'm pretty sure I'll be going HOME this afternoon!! PTL! I can't wait to be home with my kids and hubby, and I hope to not be hospitalized again for many more weeks.

7. I came close to ending the cleaning service in March, but I'm glad I didn't in light of my bedrest. We had them come once in March, not at all in April, and once in May. Paul has taken over doing the dishes, sweeping the kitchen, etc. but at least he's not needing to dust, vacuum, clean the bathrooms, mop the kitchen floor, etc. They came this past Tuesday, and we're planning to have them continue to come every other week until the baby is home from the hospital.

8. I hadn't been sure whether to work on preparing course outlines, syllabi, etc for the two new courses I was assigned to teach in the fall. Now I know that would be a waste of time as I'll either be on bedrest OR be on maternity leave. I won't be teaching the first 4 weeks as planned.

9. Our little boy is still kicking inside me at 24w1d. Every day he stays in will be a huge blessing. I'm so grateful we've reached the viability stage. What a relief! As much as I don't want him to be a micropreemie, that's a zillion times better than if they had to take him at 22 weeks, when he had 0% chance of surviving.

10. Nadia enjoyed VBS this week. Paul will be attending her closing program this evening. The neighbors took Ian to our town's carnival with them last night. I'm glad the kids have had fun things to do while I've been in the hospital. Paul is worried about how much we're spending on babysitting these days; I'm grateful we do have the resources to pay for this unexpected expense.